HAUNTED

Im so frustrated right now. My subconscious is REALLY starting to irritate me. For whatever reason, it thinks it can rear its ugly -not wanted head into my dreams the last few nights. I feel angry.

and heres why.

May 22nd(saturday) was my ex husband's 1st anniversary with his new wife. Wed May 26 is OUR old anniversary and we would have been married 7 years. Jesus. H. Christ.  90% of the time in my daily life I could care less. I dont think about him. I dont miss him. Nada. But yesterday was just plain shitty. Our minds can go places our hearts dont want to travel... like the caboose on a train and the mind is the engine. Im forced to tag along.

All day at periods I would want to just burst into tears. I think this is mostly because He is such a fuck that he got married 4 days away; from OUR wedding date.  I dont care that he got married but that was MY MEMORY Time. We may be divorced but that was OUR PAST... Ive finally gotten to the point where I could look back at it fondly... Now, Im reminded taht he got remarried before I can deal with my OWN marriage distaster/memories. I would guess he did it because he wont have to think about our past together. Which is another thing that pisses me off. Its like he just wanted to erase it with another wedding so he wouldnt have to be reminded of it every year. 'ILL JUST GETT MARRIED AROUND THE SAME TIME SO MY LIFE WILL BE CONSUMED WITH 'JENNIFER' AND I WONT HAVE TO RANDOMLY REMEMBER THE 26TH'.  I feel like it just totally disrepected anything that happened in our lives together. its wierd.  We arent friends and he chooses to have an enemy mentality to it all but its still wierd!!! who DOES that?!!?! He minds well have gotten married on teh same fucking day!

SO, all weekend Ive been cleaning and preparing for DC's arrival and it enters my mind and Im just glum.  DId he take her to COuples where we got married? I mean, i wouldnt put it past him to take her to OUR favorite resort. Imprint over all THOSE memories too. He just ran from everything.  Was he that angry at me that he just wants to erase me from his memory? We had an amazing love affair for a long time.  We just werent the people each thought after awhile. Im not angry at that aspect...it happens...Im more angry that he just wants to pretend I never existed in his life. It hurts. After everything I did for him during our marriage and his schooling....spending weekends alone while he was away on a school retreat... yard work and house work... making sure his life was organized so it was easier for him to function... and he dumped me when it was all said and done. Its no wonder I have a hard time trusting any man that comes along that seems too nice... I dont want to be taken advantage of again.

So I have dreamt of him 2 nites in a row. This time it was him and her in Negril where we got married....walking the paths, eating at the resturants, making love in OUR favorite room... copying everything we did in our time together with someone else.

I hate the month of May.  My lease comes up for renewal, I got married, I got divorced, my father died. my ex got remarried... overall. it just fucking SUCKS.

*sigh*.

on a positive note: My fortune cookie said this last nite :

FOLLOW YOUR HEART TO SUCCESS THIS COMING WEEK.

huh. this could be promising....ITS MY TURN TO GET REMARRED. DAMMIT!