Drift

Im exhausted. It was a busy day at work with trying to get my projects to a 'take over' stage and with the long list of crap I had to get done before DC arrives Thursday nite... I havent even shaved my legs...or anything else for that matter. I feel like im a wreck.  Im such a perfectionist when it comes to someone staying wtih me.  I want things to be clean and cozy. Ammenties in the fridge, their favorite drink, snacks...etc. I made dinner for tomorrow night so when we get home from the airport I can just throw it in the oven. I got off work and couldnt stop yawning. In fact, im still yawning. I went to the bank and then to Starbucks @Target before I started my errands. I wanted to go shop a bit and find a few new items for Vancouver but I ran out of time.  The last few nights I barely did any cleaning.

I finished my trip to Target...130 bucks later, a new top and some jewelry. I ran home, changed and fetched Zen for a car ride to the grocery store.  I tried to make that as quick as possible and got everything I needed and ventured home to cook and finish cleaning. At this piont, im so exhausted that i think I will leave at 4pm tomorrow and finish up before he touches down at 615pm. Sheets and everything is clean I just need to vacuum and do some last minute crap. We will be here Thurs and Fri nites and Sat/Sun is Vancouver and then Back here on Monday.  I wanted to goto Northwest Trek but i realized just now that we will be driving home from Vancouver Monday. That wont work. I suppose we will just lay low and then hit Saltys for dinner...He heads home on Tuesday afternoon.

In work news, its a great thing im friends with the HR person because she came and whispered in my ear that my boss told her that my last day would be June 3 or 4th. Huh. WHen I asked her Monday...she gave me some shit answer. I told her I didnt want to be surprised. I wonder if they dont do that shit to prevent people from sabotaging crap. Like I would do that but...its just fucked up. Shes dishonest but doesnt realize im friends with the HR lady so I have the inside scoop. She asked me today about jobs and work. I told her there were jobs out there and especially in Cali.... She was feeling me out. I honestly think she doesnt want to lose me and I have some sort of control in this situation I just dont know the level to which it exists. Huh.

I got this great email from Pam at work. She's my Triathlete friend and the Controller at my company.  We actually hit it off pretty well and yesterday she sent me this email..:

"You are so great and you are a great writer! I love to read your e-mails… It is so funny to see this flip it person who is full of funny and sarcasms yet is VERY insightful and VERY down to earth… just makes you so great."

this was a very sweet thing to read. I love when I meet friends that GET IT. Simply.  Like with Loveasuaraus.  We see things very similarly when it comes to Sprituality and theory and philosophy and the like... I have that with Pam. its nice. 

Im so tired right now...I need to sleep.

My love wrote me a short simple email today that had this wierd sad undertone. Something about hoping my wekeend goes well and turns into everything I hoped it would...or some such thing.  One long sentence. It was almost...meloncoly. This is curious to me because part of me thinks he should know that I think about him falling asleep and being in love with another woman...everyday he wakes up with someone else and has a family with this person... as he puts it...there are many types of loves...

I wonder how he defines ours....

For now, Ill just drift with the words he spoke to me that replay in my head every once in awhile from that evening we shared. so for now,

Just Him. Just Love. Just Friends.Just Growth.

Always.

THe Seattle Rain.

Dc and I were talking on the phone today after I got off work, as usual and we started talking about the weather. He was asking me all sorts of questions. Then he said, " I think I would like living there".

hmmm.

Ok.

He called me at work to ask me something or other and when I got off the phone my coworker said, " was that the love of your life?" .

Hmmm.

Ok.

Huh.

This made me smile because I wanted to say...No.... the love of my life is not mine. and that has passed.

But, instead I said, "Im not sure, we will know after this weekend".

now, after that fortune cookie said what it said last nite about following my heart to success this week...well, im curious. I think he's pondering moving here. Seriously. Im not sure what is going to transpire but it was a simple conversation with an undercurrent.

I actually told DC about the comment that my coworker said via text... and he didnt respond so I followed up with, "they tease me whenever Im talking to a man on the phone, even a customer".

He texted back with, "its ok, I understand. No worries".

I am afraid I may have given him the wrong impression...whatever THAT is...but im fine with it really. Its just a wierd sitch. Hes a caretaker by nature and I like that. I am as well.  Its still hard for me to allow him to pay for things. We had this discussion this wekeend.  He bought my  bike for me b'c at the time I was trying to save up enough to purchase it and he offered, I argued, he sent a check anyway. I plan on taking him to dinner a few times and I have paid for our RIDE THE DUCK tour and a few other things... but im just not comfy with someone spoiling me like that. I guess during my marriage money was always on the forefront of my {non jewish thought he was Jewish } husband. It was a total tracking of who spent what doing what. It made me crazy!! and totally self conscious about someone spending money on me. It feels uncomfortable almost.

Someone told me its because I dont feel I deserve it. Maybe? Or, perhaps I dont think its someones responsbility to pay my way. Pride. However, DC has a way about him when he does things... Even when we were in NYC and he wanted to buy me something from Burberry and I was like FUCK NO! i walked out of the store before he could! I know how he works... he is taking me to vancouver on this great get away... manuevered it so Zen could come... and then he wont let me pay for anything im sure.... but it will be fun because its about 2.5 hours up and it will be fun to just be driving on a roadrip together with Zen.  I just miss the male companionship of being in a relationship. Being with a man for me is just easy that way.  I think we are going to have a ton of fun!

We are meeting my friends (couple) and her Sis and her bf for dinner at a place called Serafir or something like that....Tapas resturant! Then we may go back to their hotel for a card game and drinks... who knows.
Im going to AAA tomorrow at lunch to pick up a few maps of BC. and discount coupons if they have any. Im not sure what we are going to do because we have Zen and she cant be left in the hotel room...so we will probalby leave her in the car when need be....but lots of walking with umbrellas and the dog park...hopefully its not too wet...I dont know how the FAIRMONT will feel about a wet dogger meandering in and out of the place...this outta be intersting...im almost a bit nervous to be honest.  DC loves fancy hotels... i guess i could get used to THAT aspect...lol....

anyhow... I hope he likes it at my house. Hes been to the PNW twice before....a week each time. So he knows what hes in for.

Counting the days till Thursday...

The Date

Oh Yes. Chris Chip. Chips Ahoy. Chris the Pitcher. Chris.

I realized I didnt write about my date with him on Saturday night. I guess I was a bit taken by my past following me around like a dark shadow.  So, details.

We were originally suppose to go out friday nite but in typical fashion, one of us ended up rescheduling. It was ME this time. We actually ended up talking on the phone for a bit and then decided that I would meet him downtown at the Owl n Thistle. I found this place sorta funny because it takes me back to my 20's and lots of drinking and making out with random people.  Back when life was simple. Well, MORE simple than now. I got there a bit before 8pm so I parked and sat in teh car for a bit...at least until I saw him walking up to the front. Im sort of a freak this way.  I hate going into bars alone. So, after I saw him enter I went inside. We havent seen each other in a few months..at least since before my Triathlon and so it would good to actually feel a bit relaxed. He gave me a big hug and engulfed me. He's 6'5 and im 5'8 so its like Yeti givin me a hug...but it always feels nice.  We found a table near the front of the stage and sat and bullshitted for awhile. Lots of flirting and the usual... lusting after my boobs. He has a 'thing' for them and its like this running joke now. Unfortunately for him, hes never seen them in all their glory... Im surprised hes hung out this long with me.

THe place started to get a bit crowded so we decided to go for a walk on the waterfront. It was a bit cold but luckily i prepared and so we ventured over and watched the Ferries come and go for awhile. He held my hand while we walked and its funny because Im so crazily attracted to him that I have a hard time holding eye contact. I had and sometimes still have that issue with Loveasauraus. its like that pure vulnerable state is really hard for me... It makes me feel like a little girl.  Our conversation was easy and hes actually pretty smart. He negotiates contracts for his company and has a law degree as well.  But he doesnt practice the law aspect really... He can be very quiet and almost secretive about his life and it drives me nuts. Why is it that I meet these guys that are so fucking secretive about EVERYTHING!?!? it makes me nuts. In fact, I actually have come to LOATHE the 'secret' mentality.  I dont have them...so I expect someone that Im dating or care about trust me enough to share stuff... With DC i get it. He cant talk about work becuase of his clearance crap...and that doesnt bother me because I know everything else...at least as much as I can in a year and a few months. He's pretty real with me about life. I like that. No, I LOVE THAT. Friendship and loving someone is about being open and honest not jsut about feelings but about stuff. 

So, with CHris I just take it for what its worth. We have an odd relationship that way. We go weeks without talking and then he will text out of the blue and then we will go meet for drinks and hang out for awhile...then we wont talk for awhile. Its wierd. 

ANyhow, It was romantic to walk along the waterfront at night with a man. Its something I really have missed. Im a romantic and i like to be treated like a woman. I want to be 'woo'd' and courted... I want a man to take the lead and let me feel safe allowing that aspect to transpire.  With Chris I seem to always touch him...even when walking close...perhaps its because he's such a big guy and I sort of disappear into him...  We ended up finding a bench in front of the water near the aquarium and we sat and talked...about life and random crap. We ended up kissing for awhile... the funny thing is... As attracted to him as I am... I dont have that explosive-,makes-me-melt feeling when he kisses me.  Its fine. Its fun. but he also gets very touchy and it sorta wierds me out. I dont even know why. Maybe it has something to do with our first date. I dont know but... there is something I just cant get past. A road block. Hes a super good looking guy that Im sure has had many women throw themselves at him yet he seems almost... inexperienced. huh.  its odd. Im too old for inexperienced. After Loveasauraus and I established a pretty amazing sexual relationship... its really hard for me to deal with that crap.

It was starting to rain a bit and getting late so we decided to head back to my car.  I gave him a lift to his place and we kissed a bit more. He wanted me to come up but thankfully, I have the Zen excuse and I just didnt want to go up to his place.... there is a ROADBLOCK in my head. we said good nite and I made it home around 2ish.... a lil' off sorts after all the thoughts all day about the ex and his new marriage... why I do that to myself, I have no idea.

anyhow. That was the latest date saga. Non Epic. Naturally.

HAUNTED

Im so frustrated right now. My subconscious is REALLY starting to irritate me. For whatever reason, it thinks it can rear its ugly -not wanted head into my dreams the last few nights. I feel angry.

and heres why.

May 22nd(saturday) was my ex husband's 1st anniversary with his new wife. Wed May 26 is OUR old anniversary and we would have been married 7 years. Jesus. H. Christ.  90% of the time in my daily life I could care less. I dont think about him. I dont miss him. Nada. But yesterday was just plain shitty. Our minds can go places our hearts dont want to travel... like the caboose on a train and the mind is the engine. Im forced to tag along.

All day at periods I would want to just burst into tears. I think this is mostly because He is such a fuck that he got married 4 days away; from OUR wedding date.  I dont care that he got married but that was MY MEMORY Time. We may be divorced but that was OUR PAST... Ive finally gotten to the point where I could look back at it fondly... Now, Im reminded taht he got remarried before I can deal with my OWN marriage distaster/memories. I would guess he did it because he wont have to think about our past together. Which is another thing that pisses me off. Its like he just wanted to erase it with another wedding so he wouldnt have to be reminded of it every year. 'ILL JUST GETT MARRIED AROUND THE SAME TIME SO MY LIFE WILL BE CONSUMED WITH 'JENNIFER' AND I WONT HAVE TO RANDOMLY REMEMBER THE 26TH'.  I feel like it just totally disrepected anything that happened in our lives together. its wierd.  We arent friends and he chooses to have an enemy mentality to it all but its still wierd!!! who DOES that?!!?! He minds well have gotten married on teh same fucking day!

SO, all weekend Ive been cleaning and preparing for DC's arrival and it enters my mind and Im just glum.  DId he take her to COuples where we got married? I mean, i wouldnt put it past him to take her to OUR favorite resort. Imprint over all THOSE memories too. He just ran from everything.  Was he that angry at me that he just wants to erase me from his memory? We had an amazing love affair for a long time.  We just werent the people each thought after awhile. Im not angry at that aspect...it happens...Im more angry that he just wants to pretend I never existed in his life. It hurts. After everything I did for him during our marriage and his schooling....spending weekends alone while he was away on a school retreat... yard work and house work... making sure his life was organized so it was easier for him to function... and he dumped me when it was all said and done. Its no wonder I have a hard time trusting any man that comes along that seems too nice... I dont want to be taken advantage of again.

So I have dreamt of him 2 nites in a row. This time it was him and her in Negril where we got married....walking the paths, eating at the resturants, making love in OUR favorite room... copying everything we did in our time together with someone else.

I hate the month of May.  My lease comes up for renewal, I got married, I got divorced, my father died. my ex got remarried... overall. it just fucking SUCKS.

*sigh*.

on a positive note: My fortune cookie said this last nite :

FOLLOW YOUR HEART TO SUCCESS THIS COMING WEEK.

huh. this could be promising....ITS MY TURN TO GET REMARRED. DAMMIT!

An Education

I watched a rather powerful movie this weekend called "An Education".  A british flick with heavy accents and proper dress. A movie that had a strong lesson behind it that I found rather potent to me in this state of change and blind-curves ahead. It had many resinating undertones one of which was falling in love can blind us, can prey upon the naive heart that wants more than anything to believe in the good of another and more importantly, things are not always as they seem or presented to you.

The gist is that a young 17 year old girl falls in love with a 'knight n' shining armour'. He is smart, wealthy and romantic. She is swept off her feet and is too young to question what we, older women, might. Of course, it seems obvious at the end but to watch her struggle between the idea of being taken care of by a wealthy man that doesnt necessarily make a living honestly or to pursue a path that will further her along as a person and give her an education. The struggle she endures. I realized that we all have these struggles: Take the easy path if presented or, choose a bit more wisely and take the path that will lead to our own personal growth.

I can't say that I have been in those exact circumstances but I have encountered the 'taken' man, the choice to stay in a relationship that wasnt healthy for me because it would be easy to just become submissive rather than stand up for myself and the choice I am currently facing: Pursue an education or stay on my current path and be content in that. I have reached yet another proverbial fork. Well, I havent REACHED it yet but I see it in the distance. At this piont, I dont have any kids, no future "baby daddy" lurking and my career in at a crux. So, this leaves me where? I can relocate to california if I so choose. I can date like a mad woman and find someone that suits my "needs' whatever Those are or/and I can apply to grad school and pray I get in. Destin myself to a few years of sheer night-school hell and debt.  I feel like I have momentous decisions coming up. Although, If I look at it from another perspective... Perhaps the road will guide me to the natural path and I wont have to make any decisions, perse. Afterall, that has been my luck thus far. As if someone just plugged in a spotlight and pointed it to the 'right' decision for me.

Im not overly stressed about the current climate in my life. I guess Ive learned to roll with the punches.  Death, sickness, divorce, new job, loss of job, relocation... been there, done that. Triathlon -check! 2nd one in September... Fell in love again-Check... survived it--- check! Been unemployed--Check! Rehired by same employer-check! ... let go again by said-employer...Double Check!! At this piont, stress and worry is a wasted emotion best left in the closet. Im ok. My skin has grown thicker. My heart a bit more protective. My choices a bit more thought out, My lips have kissed with fever and my body wrapped around love. I have experienced sheer raw tenderness and I have been reminded that to love and share and be vulnerable is a beautiful thing if shared with someone you meld with. If only for a moment. I learned what it means to just BE. To not have to mold who I am to be accepted by another. To have someone completely SEE me for me and love that person. That Soul. I have cried the deepest pain I have yet to experience with the loss of my father. I have learned to mourn and accept and to let it just breathe. Ive been reminded that sex is sex and it can be fantastic but I much perfer emotional connection. Ive discovered my love for photography and that I have a talent for capturing that which seems ordinary and making it ... noticable. I have exposed my raw emotion thru writing. An art I had forgotten while I was busy conforming my being to match the needs of my ex husband.

I have learned forgiveness.

I have saved a life. I have swum, biked and run and crossed a finish line.  I have flown on a private jet, ate a privately chef-prepared meal at a Frank Lloyd Wright home on a table he designed.  Ive watched a mental breakdown happen, slept with a 'married' man. I have learned to speak my mind and not worry so much about what others think of me. To understand that not everyone will like you and Ive learned to be OK with that. Ive challenged my weaknesses and grasped tightly to my strengths. I have slept with the Army, Navy and Marines. I still perfer the Navy :) 

I have conquered thus far. 

and I guess that says alot.

My life... well, I guess you could say...

Its AN Education..

Finding Ghandi

“There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever”
and so it goes...  I was working on the penisula today and away from work email. I wasted alot of time on the clock because quite frankly? I dont give a flying fig about work anymore. Something inside me struggles with any sort of dedication to my (old) company. Its just been flat out wierd since Ive been back and I find that I just show up for a paycheck. I guess thats what happens when the company that thought you were good enough to lay off thinks you are good enough to call back.

I purposefully got "lost" to waste time and I dont even know why. I wasnt going into the office anyhow... but it seemed like a mindless fun adventure. I ended up, of all places, in Keyport. This happens to be where one of my old hook up's lives/works. Hes works on the base there and I was actually a bit lost for reals by this time so I sent him a text. It took him about 15 minutes to return the text and by that time, I had found my way back to the freeway and was headed home. He told me to come by and say Hi.  Damn! I totally would have. Although, I wasnt feeling all that sexy or up to any sort of intimate flirting. Perhaps next time. We texted back and forth and he asked what Ive been up to and that we should hang out. aka. sleep together, im sure. HA! I havent seen him since probably January... it was an awkward encounter as I suddenly got my period and it was just....wierd. It was only the 2nd time we had slept together and it just sort of embarassed me. ok. HORRIFIED me. In the morning, he hung around for awhile and then left. That was it. Never talked to him since that morning. Im sure he was surprised to hear from me but he seemed pleasantly so.

At any rate, I drove home and checked my work email. There it was: THE EMAIL.
I am currently working with my "old" company as a contractor. My 3 months is up at the end of May. My boss didnt have the balls to tell me beforehand... she just sent the email out to the company about the design dept "plan". This basically was that my coworker was coming back on June 1st and I would be downloading my projects back to her. My boss put this: "hopefully, "me" will be able to work with us on a *as needed* basis".   um. Yea. I found out with everyone else that June 1st would be my last day. What a Bitch. Have some fucking balls to tell me personally. I find the whole thing disrepectful. Thanks.

It wasnt a total shock perse, I just was expecting her to talk to me directly.  So be it. This means im back to unemployment and I get my SUMMER OFF!! This is very exciting to me on my levels. I am going to do another Triathlon on Sept 12 and I can train again. I will be able to goto the outdoor lap pool that is saltwater and then Lay-out. Nice! I can road trip to my dad's for a few weeks too! This is good! I will have my resume reformatted and start looking with a bit more fever for a new job. I really dont want to go back to the industry I was working in. After a 10% cut in pay. Fuck That! If I can convince DC to move here, that would rock!

On another wierd note, There is this random guy i met online awhile ago...almost a year now... he replied to something I wrote and we have been writing on and off for awhile.  He is talking about coming out to visit from Michigan. He wants to move to the PNW. There is something awkwardly familar about this guy though. I cant go into it but... the similarities are very peculiar.

My heart hurts. I hate loving someone I cant have. There are moments when its ok and I think I can totally move forward and above and beyond. Then, there are moments when I feel I cant breathe if I dont kiss him soon. Ive slept with others but my connection and deep felt love for him is unmatched. Sex is amazing when you are emotionally intimately connected to another.  As ive gotten older, its more important that I have that where sex is involved.  He's been inside of me for so long that I dont really know how to exist without him there. Even if I meet and date and love another eventually... ...he will always be there. In the backround... hes like the little voice inside of my soul that yearns to be held forever. Im excited for DC to come visit but not necessarily because of sex or romance or... whatever.  I guess to have a distraction. No one will ever match what my love and I have. At least for me, he is my lobster.  Its something I know innately. Intuitively. I have always known. DC is there but on a different plain...nothing is the same.  Im not sure how I will react if we become intimate.  To be honest, it sort of freaks me out because we are such great friends... The thought of sleeping with him is sort of... Odd. huh.

My neigh bor left her garbage cans out because she missed pick up last week... and the 2 bags of garbage for overflow. In the last few days the crows have ripped the bags open and when i drove up today, shit was everywhere. It was the final straw. I wrote a note and taped it to her door. Shes a renter about probably about 23 years old. I dont pay what I pay a month to live in the fucking hood /trailor park. Have some respect you twit, and pick up your damned TRASH! The other neighbors were pissed as well so I took it upon myself to be the self appointed bitch.  She cleaned it up. I find it funny since the trash is picked up on Wed morning so she will have to lug all that crap out tomorrow nite. ha! dumb dumb.

I will have to goto work tomorrow and play friendly. And move my ass to get shit down since I pretty much slacked all day! haha. oh well. I took off friday the 28th for Dc's visit. Think, at this point...ill take the 27th as well. Fuck it.

Time to train and get tan...oh, and lust after Coach again! This makes me happy all on its own!

LackLuster

Its Saturday morning and WAYYYYYYYYYYY too early to be sitting here writing in my blog but thanks to my 'kids'... I am up and atum a bit early. Its nice to know I wont be late for work becuase if im not awake by Sunrise, Mickey runs around the house like a 200lb man (he weighs about 15lbs), plays in the bathtub, scratches the carpet b'c he knows i will yell at him and pounces the bed until such time as I scream out STOP! or get up. Zen happens to participate in this game of 'wake the mommy up'... Her M.O. is to climb into bed at the head of the bed and sit on my face. or close to it. "cuddle up" as im sure it seems in her doggy mind. Sometimes she will just sit there and stare at me and sniff my eyes. She is 96lbs of Lab. Nothing changed this morning. Obviously.

I didnt have much going on this week for the most part. Pissed off a customer with my "lack of response"... this is an acct that I struggle with becuase I basically HATE the point of contact as she is a total and COMPLETE micromanager. Which, as anyone that knows me, I DESPISE. It makes me really angry to be micromanaged. As it does most folks I suppose. My job is very technical and requires hours of concentration at times. This client consistently screams FIRE for every little change or nuance to her project. Im over it. I had to suck it up and write an email of apology becuase she felt "ignored". Ugh. Sometimes this working shit is for the birds.

This was preceded by the work email being down for an entire day. We also roll with VOIP so we had no vm either. Between customers being pissed and my I.T. director being the leader of the GAY PRICK COLOLITION... It started the week on a bad note. Im not even sure wtf is going on with my job as I am still noted as Temporary. Of course, I have mixed emotions about this. I want my 401k back and paid benefits but I also like the option of another summer off. Perhaps I should be a school teacher! ha! At this point, it would be worth the cut in pay. I think I would teach Kindergarten. Seems a good age. Or, I could go back to get my Masters. Ive toyed with this idea. I think that if I meet someone or the thing with DC works out and at some piont, im living with 2 incomes...I just might do it. Healthcare administration probably. *ponders*... would increase my income substantially.

I am currently sitting on my patio outside listening to the glorious sounds of morning. The forest is directly behind my backyard and becuase there is a river below about 400 ft or so, there are tons of birds and other wildlife that grace the morning airwaves. Its almost like living in an avery. The birdsong is magnificant. I have to say that it compares greatly to the songs of frogs in Jamaica. If i close my eyes, there must be 100's of different species singing within the forest. Makes me want to join in! I dont think my neighbors would appreciate it. ha!

Its going to be a wonderous day here in the PNW. I plan on venturing out to get Zen a dog pool and then cleaning my place. Its a disaster and im horrified. Coming down off the triathlon high has been a bit exhausting. I need to get back into the gym as well. One of my oldest friends is in from the Bay area visiting some old college friends that live about 10 miles away and so I will be meeting them all downtown tonite for dinner. I know one of them aside from Suzie so it will be quite a reunion! I love when people visit here from out of state! Especially when its beautiful. This is one of THE BEST cities to live in because of all it has to offer. When people come to visit, they understand why I live here.

Other than that, im laying low this weekend. I had lunch with one of my best friends Vanessa yesterday. I have converted her to the TRIATHLON mentality and she wants to do one in a year. She played college basketball and was a lifeguard etc and is 6' tall and lean. I think she would do really well. She was impressed with my acommplishment and wants to say she did one herself! So, I have agreed to help her get started with the swimming part of it because, like most, its the most difficult for her to grab hold of. This is exciting!

As im sitting outside writing this, Zen is laying on the patio sniffing all the magnificant smells of the yard. I wonder what she smells, exactly. I can only imagine since the nose is like a pair of human eyes for animals. Every once in awhile she will growl or bark. I can imagine shes getting a whiff of a deer or god knows WHAT!

Im off to start my day! I think I will hit the gym soon and get that out of the way. Dinner tonite at 615pm...What to wear what to wear!

Moving On..

I have eaten like shit since my triathlon and I really need to get a grip and buckle down. (eats jalepeno cheese bread for dinner)...

Work has been a real bitch this week. My 'ADD' has been acting up and I cant focus or perhaps I dont WANT to focus. Whatever the reason, its making work a real chore and thats no good. I also seem to have no real memory from the past week. I dont even think I could tell you what I did this last weekend. Oh, wait...I came home from the bay area. THat seems AGES ago. Its only Wed!

Random thoughts:

So, while I was home in the Bay I received a text at 139am. It was from Golf Guy. We hung out for a few weeks and he basically spent 4 nites straight at my house every week... then we had a misunderstanding and its been rocky ever since. We talked about hooking up a few months ago and then just being friends and it just got wierd and we eventually just stopped talking. This text said: "HEY".
I chalked it up to a drunk text. Hes done it before. I didnt see it until the morning and I texted back, "what? obviously a drunk text eh?".
Never heard a peep from him. what a dumbass. Moving on.

I havent been on the dating scene for approx.. 2.5 months. Im holding off joining again until after DC comes to visit. We shall see where that goes. We are really great friends and have wonderful conversations...from serious stuff to all out laughter-pee-your-pants convos. While I was at my father's house, he sent me a text that read, "You are the only thing in my life that has made any sense, so you have that going for you, which is nice"... he always has to put a funny twist on things.

I thought this was the sweetest sentiment; especially since we dont talk on a serious "romantic" note very often. i was actually sort of speechless by this comment. Which, i told him. We talk sometimes everyday and sometimes every few days... just depends on his work schedule and whats going on. Last night we were talking as he purchased his airline ticket to come to the PNW for Memorial Day weekend.
Hes arriving May 26-Wed and leaving the following Wed. This is irony. May 26-Wed was my wedding day in Negril Jamaica. My anniversary has always been bittersweet and this will be a good thing, i think. I joked that he will have to hold me while I cry a river of tears... LOL... odd. I NEVER WOULD have guessed that I would be standing in this place: Single and childless if you asked me on the day of my wedding. Wow. Surreal at times. At times, being married was such a long time ago. I really enjoyed being married and would definitely do it again if the right person came along. Unlike my love, who will never marry again. lol....

So, ive been pondering all of this. Loving a man deeply that gets me on a soulful deep level. Understands my intricate nature and still loves me despite my faults... a love that will never be anymore than what it is...sadly. Then there is DC. He is available but across the country and told me just the other day that there is something very endearing about me that captures him. He cant quite figure it out. We have only known each other a year and he doesnt know me by any means as My Love does... that raw connection. However,Ive been trying to figure out and sort of 'dreaming' about what might go down in Vancouver and while hes visiting me.

WIll we kiss? When and how will it happen? Does he want to be romantically involved? Maybe not. I tested this last night on the phone. I think I caught him off guard because I mentioned the guest bedroom and he sort of stuttered. Of course, he wont be sleeping in there, I doubt it anyhow. We slept in the same bed the entire time I was visiting him. ALmost like an old married couple. I do laugh though because I ponder these things... What would sex be like with him? I mean, we totallly have great chemistry on a mental level... I think he would probably make a great boy friend. I cant figure out how I feel about it all though. He did joke recently about not ruining my eggs on my Triathlon b'c we have to carry on the DC genes... haha... WOWA.

This weekend I have a friend coming in from the Bay Area that I have known for like 20 years almost. Shes flying up to visit friends and invited me to dinner with them Saturday nite. Im always up for meeting new peeps that live here... networking is always a great thing! It should be fun!

Tomorrow I am out on the pennisula for work all day. I will take my camera and work on some pics. My new Idea is cemetaries. Then Churches.

Well, its almost 8pm and I want to go watch the Hurt Locker. I heard it was great!

Triathlon part 2

Yes, the worst possible senerio happened. As I was swimming by, I heard a faint .. "Help". Amazingly enough, there was no one even in close proximity to me or to the woman that was calling out. This left *me* to assist her. I had just got into a great rythme with the swimming and the finish was in sight, I had no choice to be help her. Of course, I wouldnt have kept swimming no matter what. There is a reason I was next to this woman: I am an extremely strong swimmer and I have the ability to be calm in a crisis. I quickly turned around to my left and swam the 10 feet over to her. She was probably in her 70's, was as tan as the lady from SOMETHING ABOUT MARY and had pig tails. When I reached her, she was slowly bobbing up and under the water. I looked around, called out to the guy in the kyak but he couldnt get to me because I was on the inside of the swim area... he couldnt cross over all the swimmers. This left no alternative but to grab her and swim with her to the kyak. Luckily, she was about 90-100lbs soppin wet (literally) and so I told her to lay on her back and I held her up from the middle of her back. She was wearing a wetsuit so that helped with the boyancy and she was able to keep her head above water. At this point, I started swimming towards the kyak which was a good 50 yards away. I kept talking to her while trying to get around the swimmers; most of whom where totally in a zone and had no idea what was going on. I think there were moments when she actually lost consciousness... another swimmer came along and offered to help and I said yes because I was getting tired swimming with one arm and keeping her afloat. She floated her head region but the lady was grabbing her face and the helper began to panic herself because she felt like she was being pushed under. i told her I was fine and to keep swimming, I had her. I swam nad FINALLY reached the kyak. The lady awoke from her coma-like state and was able to hang onto the kayak. Once I made sure she was ok, I started to swim...I was even more exhausted than I was before... and now, the waves were more intense becuase the motor boat that came to rescue the lady! I was about 300 yards off shore and it was the longest swim ever. When I reached the shore and could touch, I praised the Lord and was thinking simutaneously..."why the FUCK did I decide to do this? Am I fucking nuts?".... at that very moment, I heard my brother's voice... There he was on the shore screaming and encouraging me on! he ran with me up the boatlaunch area and told me I was doing a great job... we talked and I told him about the lady... thats about as much as I remember. I think I was still in emotional/physical shockover the swim and having rescued some lady in the midst of my first triathlon. The Lord does test Us I say...

I got the to transition area and was shivering and dizzy. I heard others saying they were dizzy as well. By this time, i was in the last 1/4 of the people in the transition area. I know I would have been at least 10 min ahead had that incident not happened; I wouldnt change it however... Sometimes, we are called upon to do things where there is no choice, just reaction.

I finally got out of my wetsuit and my family was standing next to the transition zone the entire time filming me and talking... My mom had a look on her face like she thought I might pass out and my brother and his gf were giving me words of encouragement... I got my clothes on and got on my bike... thats when the 2nd leg of pain began.

The minute you get on the bike you have to ride up a slight grade. Sure, on a normal day it wouldnt have been all that bad but having just battled waters from THE DEADLIEST CATCH variety, saved a drowning senior citizen and ran up a hill... this was not a good sign. I was relieved to know I had my energy gel to eat. I was so dizzy that I had a hard time balancing on my bike to steer with one hand. I grabbed the energy packet and in the midst of tryin to tear it open with my teeth, I dropped the fucking thing on the ground. FUCK!

I about cried right then and there. As I mustered up enough energy to begin a serious climb, I looked up and saw the first of the pack already returning. WHAT?!!?!?! 11.5 miles already completed? If that wasnt a bit demoralizing, Im not sure what was. I gritted my teeth, said a prayer to every God I could muster up and pedalled. and pedalled. and pedalled some more. 11.5 miles to be exact. At the midpoint, I would probably say that I had lost my lust for life. I had just cruised down the most AMAZING hill ever... then I remembered": I have to ride back UP that damn hill. I wanted to quit but realized How? I couldnt quit because there was no one to pick up my ass with my bike. It was me and the hilly 5.5 miles back to the transition area. I had to do it. I had to get there and finish. It was at about 8 miles that my handle bars started to loosen up. Oh yea. The handlebars where coming lose from the Y-stem and were slipping back and forth. and rotating forward and backward. There was no way they could come off perse but It was making using the gears and brakes a tedious task. On top of the sheer exhausting task of pedaling up hill, I couldnt count on my handlebars to stay in one place! I mean, HULLO! what next?!

I *FINALLY* made it to the transition area. Spent and delerious by this point, I cruised in to hear my cheerleading squad giving me fevered encouragement. Now was the worst part for me: THE RUN.
I will preface this by saying that when I returned almost all the bikes were back on the racks and there were runners crossing the finish line already. I was listening to the announcer. I still had a good 45 minutes left. This was about what I calculated for the run/walk. I ran a mile, walked a mile or more... At that piont, I think there were probably 8 people between me and the last person to stroll over the finish line. At least I wasnt last i kept thinking. It was hot, I was tired and I just wanted to cross the end piont. I finally got there and I saw my stepdad taking my picture and I heard the announcer call out my number and people cheering! My brother met me on the other side of the finish line and I just remember thinking...I DID IT DAD...I DID IT! It was, afterall, for him and in his memory... being a 3 days from the 1 year anniversary of his death. I collapsed in my brother's arms and started to weep.

I had achieved a goal I had had for over 5 years. I had fnished despite the obstacles I encountered and the lack of training properly in the last 2 months. The most critical time.

I got my medal, I got my shirt and hat and snacks... and I walked away with the best smile Ive had in a long time. 2:31 was my time. My goal it to get to 2 hours. That is my next Triathlon in September. the Winner of this particular Tri finished in 1:34 and was 14! crazy!

My mom, stepdad, brother and his girlfriend and I all went to lunch in Napa. That was rpobably THE best pizza and salad ive ever eaten.

For the next 2 days, I couldnt eat enough food. I was totally famished but it was the best FAMISHED id ever felt. I loved the feeling of accomplishment. Especially for a phsycial challenge. Ive given myself a week off and will start working out tomorrow after work again. I drove to my Dad's in Northern Nevada on Wed and hung out there with my Uncle until he left on Friday morning. I spent most of my vacation doing yard work for my mom and stepdad and at my Dad's house. Labours of love I call it. Its hard as your parents age and they cant do what they used to. I did alot of spring clean up in mom's yard and at dads, tons of weeding and maintance to help out my brother; he is the official owner of that house now and so it helps him out to work on it when I go there...he lives about 4 hours away so it takes a village to keep the place in tip top shape...nothing like what my dad did... but we can honour him by doing the best we can.

I stayed there alone for the first time ever Friday night. I will admit I was a bit freaked out. So much so that I smoked a lil maryjane and tried to relax. I kept waking up every few hours waiting for my dad to "appear" before me. You see, he died in the bathroom next to my room there and actually landed partially in the door way of my room (according the the report and stain patterns)... Being oa big fan of the Ghost Whisperer and believing that sometimes, people get stuck where they die, I was imaging crazy things! Nothing happened however... so thats nice.

I made it home last nite around 10pm. In my exhaustion, I had made a wrong turn in Lassen Park and added 1.5 hours to my drive. That sucked. Badly. my dog was about to jump ship and frankly, so was I.
Eventurally though we pulled into the driveway and I was so happy to be in my own bed...

Now, back to work tomorrow morning. The next big 'event' in my life is DC coming to the Northwest.
We are going to take a road trip to Vancouver for 2 days. He has gotten us a room at the new Fairmont Pacific Rim for 2 nights and we even get to take the Dogger! He called and asked... I dont have anyone to leave her with and he insisted we bring her... so, my dogger will be staying with us in a 5 star hotel. Huh. This outta be interesting.

Well, thats a story for another time... Right now? My tired eyes require sleep...

Triathlons, Family, Death and Fat

Ah... the sense of relief I am currently experiencing will soon come to an end as the alarm rings on at 6am tomorrow morning (monday). After a week and a half vacation, its time to go back to the grind. This consists of a Monday morning meeting at 9am approx 70 miles from my front door. Gotta love my boss. As the specialist in healthcare, Its my responsiblity to "go above and beyond to please the customer". Um. After a 12 hour road trip yesterday to get home from Nevada, driving 70 miles one way isnt really on the top of my list of things to do. *sigh*... such is life.  Im "lucky" to have a job. Fuck that. Im not bitter. Am I?

Its been a long time since ive written here.  I almost dont know where to begin.  I suppose the start of my vacation will do just fine.

April 28, 2010 4:45am... I hit the road to head down to the Bay Area. DC had cancelled his trip for my triathlon and I am really glad he did. All in all, it would have been WAY to exhausting and it gave me a bit fat excuse to be anti social and a lazy bum if I chose to. I got down to the Bay around 5pm and settled in with the parents.  On Friday afternoon, I headed to my brother's to stay with him for the evening. He and his girlfriend have been living together for close to 3 years now and in that time, he has remodeled the house. COMPLETELY. It looks amazing! Like me, he has that artist abilities and creative vision to create something beautiful out of the old and worn.  Everytime I see my younger brother, I am more and more impressed  by his personal growth and accomplishments. He made great money in the I.T industry but left it all to start his own contracting and remodeling company. Hes got balls.

We ended up going to dinner at some local shi-shi mexican resturant that was an old house converted into a resturant. The front yard was the outdoor dining area and it was very 'shiek'... The food was ok, the drinks strong but the service left something to be desired. My brother was so pissed off, he left no tip on a $150 tab and called the resturant the next day.  If you knew my brother, this might shock you because hes always been a gracious tipper and generous with friends... it takes a lot to cause this sort of result.  Lets just say, we wont be going THERE again.

I spent the evening and in the morning we headed to breakfast, chitchatted about my triathlon and then I headed back to my parents house to rest. I still had a few errands to run before my race Sunday morning. Being a saturday afternoon, I wanted to be out and about and found it extremely hard to take a nap or even settle down. I was a bit high strung and anxiety ridden about my race the next day at 8am.  My parents house is 2 hours Southeast of Napa where the race was being held and so it was going to be an early rise and travel to the race. I took 3 advil and headed to bead. My poor parents. They lovingly tolerated my anxiety ridden mood swings and kept me on track and focused. Thanksfully, someone had some sense about them... and saying THAT in regards to my mother is saying alot... if you knew my mom... you would understand... for another time and entry on THAT subject.

We all got up at the butt ass crack of before dawn and got out of the house by 445am. ALways a task to say the least when it comes to my stepdad. Not only is he 69 but hes a Virgo and the most methodical and slow man you will ever meet. As far back as I can remember, it was an argument about being late with him.  Im surprised I didnt have a heartattack before we even got in the car!

Of course, my stepdad LOVES the GPS "machine".  You know, its the endall to ever getting lost. "no problem, we will just punch it into the magellean and be there lickedly split, dont Worry hunny".
Famous last words.  Of course,  we had to stop for gas and a coffee and muffin. I was in the back trying not to have a panic attack and practicing my out of body mind control techniques. Basically, talking myself into my happy place. My parents crack me up because they are a constant bicker-battle. You name it, they will find a way to have a tiff about it. Even at 445am. I ate my peanut butter and toast, banana and Gatorade and just tried to keep them sane. Everything was going fine and the GPS was taking up to our destination until the bitch on the thing stopped talking. I use the term 'bitch' because at this point, we still have an hour to go and she quit RIGHT at the time where we didnt know where to go!  the Proverbial fork in the road. Literally.

My dad is taking my mom to task because she wont help with the GPS, shes yelling at him that she doesnt know the "machine" and Im trying to stay logical and make an educated guess as to which direction to go while travelling at 65mph... it was like a word problem from 4th grade!

I said go LEFT! Meanwhile, my stepdad is yelling at the GPS lady andmy mother and I am looking for a bag to vomit in... not good considering I needed that food energy for the damn Triathlon I was about to partiicpate in. We ended up pulling over and between the GPS and my stepdad's phone GPS... we were utterly confused. His phone said do one thing, the GPS said do the opposite and so I made the executive decision to go LEFT. Sternly. All I could do was stare at the clock on the dashboard and the sweatbeads were drifting into my eyes like tears... all my hard work would be flushed down the drain of failure if I got there later than 730am.  Finally, we got it straightned out and headed on our way.

As usual I played mediator and got everyone calmed down.  Little did we know there would be 30 miles of severe CURVY ROAD AHEAD to get to the resevoir in Napa. Good Lord.  Not only was I a nervous wreck, I was also riding in the backseat and about to puke from car sickness... I also had to use the bathroom so badly that I about screamed to pull over! The nerves had done a number on my tummy for sure. My mother kept asking me if I was gonna be ok, my stepdad was saying we had no TP if I decided to drop my panties in a bush on the side of the road and I thought I might just jump out of the moving car to end it all by this point.  We came across a Port-a-Potty and pulled over... the Triathlete in front of me was in there for at LEAST 20 minutes. I almost lost all sense of  feminity and squatted in the bush in front of the car...he finally emerged and I was non the happier!

We got to the race at 7am... thankfully and I had them drop me off at the transition area. There I was. ALONE. No one to talk to because they had to go find a place to park that wasnt too far for my mom to walk (she has severe fibromylagia and doesnt excersize NEARLY enough to help with it)... so, i racked my bike and went and got my bib and timer -ankle bracket thingie mabob. I strolled back to the transition area and pretended to know what I was doing. I admit that I really felt lonely there. Everyone was with friends or a bf or gf... I just focused on getting myself organized. Luckily, i was with 4 other newbies to Triathlons and we started chit chatting.  The mood was exhillerating and energy filled. You could almost close your eyes and feel the energy moving and swirling around you! I loved it! Eventually, it was time to "slip" into my sausage er, I mean wetsuit.  Now, this isnt a pretty procedure... I dont care WHO you are. Its like putting on a body condom that is 2mm thick.  Im not the most svelte girl....as of yet anyhow... eventually I will be where I want to be with all the training I am going to continue to do... ... but no matter! Any pudge you might have on your body is exposed to the masses. Luckily, there are people of all shapes and sizes at triathlons so I didnt feel so bad. I had my swim suit on and wriggled my bod into the wetsuit and thankfully was all covered up. I mindswell have been standing there totally naked because it shows the TOTAL outline of your body. My worst body flaw that I CANNOT STAND is my tummy .. I have a pudge and I hate it. There is was. Out there for the world to see. I would have rather stood there in a bikini. Instead, I was standing there in latex. Thank GOD there were no mirrors. I might have quit the race right THEN!

I still had no family or friends there as of yet. GOd only knows where my family was and so I just took a deep fucking breath and made my way to the water entrance area...

There was a REASON wetsuits were needed. The air temp was about 50 and the water temp was a balmy 62 degrees... Um. YEA. My wetsuit was full except for the arms: it didnt have any. Which was fine because I wanted full rotation. I am a really strong swimmer having swam my entire life and competitively in High School. I can swim 1/2 mile in 13 min in the pool.  thats 32 laps. I wasnt all that concerned about the swim.

That is...until I hit the water. I went from an expert swimmer to someone with no experience being thrown off the Titantic in freezing water! I went towards the end of the pack because I didnt want to be cramped by people. it was cold on my feet as I entered and then I just dove in! Head first. I had my goggles and swim cap on so the initial shock was my face and arms... shock is a word that doesnt BEGIN to express the sheer pain, fear and overall agony of shock that my body was going thru in mere seconds. I now know what those people on the titantic went thru and how Hypothermia feels.

My lungs felt like they were shrinking every breath I took in. It almost hurt to breath. People were panicking all around me because of the water temp.  not 100 feet off shore and folks were already swimming for the kayaks that were there if you needed help. It crossed my mind to go to the kayak .. my panicked mind, that is. In my "right" mind, I knew that once I started swimming, my core temp would rise and my heartrate would increase. I got a grasp of my anxiety and paddled on. I say paddled because I was literally dog paddling for a bit. I tried to side stroke, backstroke, breast stroke... you name it, i tried it. The reason being... I couldnt put my face in the water. I tried multiple times to do freestyle and get into a rythme and calm down but every time I put my face in the water, between the cold... ok FREEZING ... water and the pure murky water that wasnt allowing me to see more than 2 feet in front of me... I was having an anxiety attack each time. I finally gave up. I started to just do the crawl with my head above water. This is extremely tiring and uses up your energy faster than necessary. The 1/2 mile seemed like 12 miles but when I hit the 1/.2 mark and rounded the bouy, i started to have hope... I wanted to just crawl to shore and go get breakfast. I got into a pace that suited me and was able to find my breathing pace. The shitty part was that people were still panicking at times, the waves caused by the wind were making it difficult to catch your breath and people cough and gurgling around me was making it a psychological nitemare. 

Then it happened....

see next blog entry.....