been a long time.

Its been forever since Ive written in here. In fact, I forgot it was around!  I could spend hours updating with the past year but why? Its all water under the bridge, really.

summation:

Mom is still crazy.
My married lover is gone... AGAIN. however, in a revelations of revelations... he finally revealed his true name, I know his wife's name and In April, he finally truly admitted he loved me.  In a heartfelt, making-love kinda way. That was nothing new to me. But as things go... guess it didnt matter in the grand scheme of things. Love or no love, he's gone and I am here. alone. Still.

Part of the reason he is gone is because of something I did.  Yes.... I DID. In August, we had a blow out and he left again. He didnt close the email but he disappeared for about 2 months. at the end of Oct..a month after I lost my job, I had a melt down... I mailed his cock ring to his house. I punished him I suppose. I had it in an envelope in my car for about a month. I was going to mail it one day and forgot. It sat there until the week of halloween I sent it to his house. The same day I thru it in the mail box... he re established contact with me! Of all the dumb luck. That was a Wed. That friday, he got it in the mail... well.. he claims Shoes got it... but to this day, I still think HE found it in the mail. I think this because the following monday and Friday he came over to see me and we made love both times... that following monday...2nd week of November...he closed the account.  He refused any attempts I made to contact him via CL and I ended up leaving him 1 voicemail to which he never responded.

His story is that she found it, he moved to another city to live with his sister in law and that divorce was in his future.  oh and thta she suffered a miscarriage the week before that came in the mail. Maybe thats what prompted him to reach out to me... I dont know. Ive never understood his motivations really.

I made a post the other day out of angst and boredom. Both of which are NOT healthy states of existance for me... It was something about Sending him a basket of Nuts for xmas... it was a JOKE post but i was curious whether he still looked for me... of course, He does.

he blew a gasket. Insulted me online, called me unstable etc... but never responded to my personal emails to him.  not that I expected him to, really.
that was last week. Jump forward to today. i had to run down to the southern city where his work happens to be. I had to stop by the cable company to exchange a remote and that is the closest cable office location. I didnt really think much of it as I ran my errand and then decided to hit the Trader Joes down the street. As I waited for a place to park, pulled in and turned off my engine... in the next row over...

THERE HE WAS. walking. scurrying even with his head down. I knew it was him immediately. Blue sweater, jeans and just...HIM. I looked down the row a few cars and there his car sat. I sat there totally stunned. not knowing what the fuck to DO. I watched him go into the store... moment of truth. I choked in the clutch. I backed out... drove around 2 rows over to stop freaking out and maybe leave a note... in that amount of time, when i got back to where his car was... HE WAS GONE! he must have seen me... went in the store and escaped out the other door.. I didnt even see him drive away. Knowing him, I could see him sitting in a parking lot where I couldnt see him so he could watch me.
I looked around.
nothing.

I ended up parking and going inside but was so flustered and frazzled I grabbed some random shit and left.

I needed a cigarette. I NEVER RUN into ppl. ever.
of all people...HIM. the man I have loved for 3 years....

interestingly enough, I wrote him an email when I got home via the post he left up. His way no doubt to allow me to reach him...without him having to respond. He told me to LEAVE HIM ALONE when he replied...but I couldnt resist letting him know I saw him.... he didnt respond... at least NOT directly.

until an hour later, I got an email. An email that responded to 2 writings I had posted that morning about him but were prose and not specific in nature. The emial said...Interior Designer is that you?
turns out, its Nom De Plume... after some research... i realize im a fucking idiot!! THAT IS HIM!!!!!!!!!
I researched all the way back to when Lover and I started communicating and thats when NDP showed up. Same nicknames with me, same writing styles etc...

its his way of checking on me... and I dont know why we play this game.  He asked me if I was ok. I havent heard this pen name since 2008. Out of the blue. I suppose he's probably responded to me before and when I checked, he had but I didnt know who it was so I never responded back to athe annym. email addy... he remembered he could give me that name and I would respond.

so, i took the chance and said, "you saw me today, why didnt you say hello? I know its you.... can we talk?"
he responded back, "talk later, yes?"

Im confused. why would be hate me so much in person and online yet, miss me and talk to me as this other person....

I feel like he plays games with me. and if its NOT him...than I truly am crazy and I need meds!

my bra hurts.

I need to change for the gym.

more later...



It is now, December 2011. What has changed in my life? well, I got a job, worked for 6 months and got fired. THat was a blessing and a curse frankly. I hated that place. It sucked. enough of that.

the Writing of a book.

It may be getting close to the time where I write my book. I dont chose to write this for anyone but myself but something has made me realize its almost time. 

now .

to start.

PRIVACY

ive decided to make my blog private. If he chooses to cut my off...then I will do the same.

RANDOM GUY

Yesterday was a friend's rooftop deck party. I love meeting new people and she has an array of friends from differnt backrounds... all in all, a great time! It was a beautiful day here in the PNW adn the sun was setting the city on fire with gorgeous views and a few sunburned shoulders; a welcome experience after this unusually wet Spring.
;
Sidebar: Im sitting on my porch in the backyard writing this and the sun is causing a reflection on my screen. Its like typing into a mirror... and not when you necessarily want to see yourself..hangover and all...ugh!

I had a premonition about last night. It came true. Sometimes I wonder about my 'talent'... I thought about it a week ago... just a passing thought. That Chris (chip/baseball guy) would contact me this weekend... Since I was going to be downtown. He didnt know anything about the party... but he has an apt very close to where I was. Coincidence? One never knows. 

I havetn talked to him since I met him downtown that night and we walked the pier.  At about 4pm yesterday I got a text that said...HI.  i had forgotten about my 'feeling' till I heard my phone go off.  I knew instantly. Sure enough it was him. We texted bback and forth for awhile why i was getting dressed and then he calld and we chatted for a bit... He wanted to meet for a drink in Bellevue but since I was going to bein the city, we talked about meeting after the party.  After everything that has happened with Loveasuarus this week and DC talking with his family this weekend about how they would feel if he moved here to the PNW... well, entertianing a boy wasnt really somethign I wanted to deal with. Not to mention, im feeling OH SO *NOT* SEXY right now. I need to buckle down again with teh working out. Anyhow, I told him that I would text him when i was geting ready to leave the party. 

I didnt leave until around 10pm and by that time, I wasnt feeling into it. I had been drinking for like 5 hours and was finally sober and just wanted to go home and crawl into bed. I knew that if I texted him I would be out for hours and he would definitely want to hook up.  My heart is a little too raw to go there with someone new. I know I considered calling Navy Diver but I think that ws a gut reaction to my broken spirit/heart at what Loveasuarus had done.  Its only been a week and Im still working thru all that goes with losing someone you love dearly...both romantically and on an emotional/friendship level. Hooking up with Chip wouldnt be prudent. So, suffice it to say, I never called/texted.

At abotu 11pm he sent me a text...HI.  I didnt respond...then again at 1138 about how I must have had other ideas for the night and to get home safe and sleep well...  I just dont know what this guy wants. Something about it doesnt sit right with me. So, as much as I am attracted to him and we have made out a few times... my intuition is telling me otherwise. Its not like me to not want to hang out with a 6'5 hunk thats hot for me... maybe its the fact that he is such and hes into me...but i flat out told him that if he didnt want to date-date...i wasnt all that interested. I mean, HULLO. I am in love with one man that I shouldnt be adn that doesnt/cant/wont choose me but tells me he loves me... I have an amazing guy that I adore as a friend that treats me like a princess and has the inkling of a future that we could share and is thinking of moving across the country to try things and some hot hunky ex semi pro baseball player that wants to fuck me but I cant really trust for some unknown reason. Getting physically involved with Chris/Chip isnt really a good idea. Its fun to makeout but if i continue down that path, I wont be able to deny the situacion much longer. Loveasaurs even told me once that he didnt trust /like the guy. Probably b'c he wanted to get in my pants..lol

I wish Loveasuarus and I could at least talk. Ive posted a few things and there was a response or 2 but I think there was one that was him... not sure. I feel like I didnt get closure. I dont know. I cried while driving home last night about it. Im not good with saying good bye and losing someone important to me...lover or friend.

Here comes the wind....hmmmm....

the sun feels good on my face. I think im going to goto the gym today. a bit later. Wash my car and let zen swim in her pool on th front lawn. 

My mother has been acting up again this weekend. i had to delete her from my facebook. Fucking crazy bullshit.  I had to explain to Dc and thankfully, he gets it... its just embarrassing when your mother is a wack.

Zen is sleeping in the sun, I hear the deer in the backround trumping thru the woods eating...and the bugs are buzzing and birds singing... There is Peace in my immediate world.

I love this moment.

The Echoes

Of Echoes of memories cloud my vision
I lay to dream
I suffocate on the impression glazed upon my walls
I close my eyes only to see your heart  beating red
pulsating the intentions of a criminal
You thief
Sitting in your chair
oblivious to the words I scream
without a voice
my face filled with the geniune sorrow
of lost impressions
forgotten memories
tattooed conversations
bad recordings of heartfelt tender moments
tossed to the gutter of your past
soon to be washed away with new
His kiss will be fresh
his skin taste so differently
he will touch me in ways you didnt
he wont know how to appease my soul
not like you
he will be second fiddle
like you were second nature
I touch your invisible cheek
kiss away invisible tears
read invisible letters
until the reality strikes me in the face
and I am cold
shut off
the walls slowly layering themselves
like the leaves that scatter the ground at winter time
creating layers upon layers of distant moments
soon to be forgotten
soon to be lost
The dream remains
you lying there
me whispering all
and nothing
as the hours pass so quickly
and time stands still
the echoes of Us
remain

Coach! I still got it.

yes, I swam today and YES! he talked to me!!! he started up a convo about how im getting faster and then asked if im still training for my triathlon...meaning he's listened to my convo's from the past with someone else at the pool...  he smild at me with the cutest smile EVER... I just melt around this guy.  We were talking about my triathlon coming up in Sept and he said he cant run anymore unfortunately...  I told him I tend to try and pace myself to him... which actually works for me... pushes me harder... we joked and I told him I walked 1/2 the run but he said good for me for even attempting and then for finishing!  I want to just grab him by his buttcheeks and kiss him! Hes so adorable!


anyhow, its amazing how things happen. Ive been so down as of late that  its a good thing for him to talk tome...I needed that :)

In other news, I just got off the phone with DC and he was telling me that hes seriously considering moving here..to the west coast to start fresh and that the only time hes been happy in the 6 months is when I was in DC visiting and when he was here visiting me... and that hes sick of living for his job and he wants a life...

He just has guilt about leaving his mom... and knows his sister is going to be an issue.  I dont want to persuade him. I need him to make this decision on his own. Its hard not to tel him to just MOVE here because we have so much fun together.... I have told him in the last few days that I misssed having him around... and he said he didnt sleep last night trying to figure out what the right thing is. All I could say to him was that if he feels the time is NOW to make a life change then he needs to listen to that voice and follow it.

I just dont want him to do things for the wrong reasons... it needs to be for the right ones. Im trying to hold back from persuading him... yet, let him know I would love if he did.  he's probably not going to come to Reno now b'c hes been taking alot of time off from work and the tix are really expensive... and thats ok...im sad of course... I told him to quit his job before that and just MOVE! heehee...and then said I was kidding but...kinda thought it was funny....

I dont know. Its hard because we havent had any physical ...anything... and that concerns me.... what if it was just a nightmare? the sex? i mean...what if we are TOTALLY not physically compatible? or hes impotent or some shit? what a horrible thing to say but...HULLO!!

Coming off an amazing love affair for 2 years where the sex and intimacy was amazing... that would be a hard pill to swollow...... hmmm.... 

anyhow....Coach.  I should seduce him.

I think now that the ice has broken...it might be time....shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh............dont tell.

Im struggling today

My heart hurts. My head hurts. I feel really lonely and part of that is knowing you arent around and in my world anymore. Im angry with you. Im angry with myself. For being so very hoenst with you about certain things. With thinking you could handle it because of our situation as it stands. Not really thinking about how you might take the info; not like its not fair though. You know, with these circumstances and all. I have had to deal with the knowledge since day one. You have always known when im dating but i dont think you were ever ready for me to say I might have met someone worthy of my time... a "threesome of sorts" you called it.
Funny, I thought we have been living that way for 2 years anyway... Perception is everything I suppose.

I cant even find it in me to want to swim. Im just straight up SAD, M.  guess I need to date again.... or call up one of the booty call boys to help this feeling disappate a lil' bit. The rejection is just mindblowing...

I dont know. its like I cant breathe at the thought of you never laughing with me again... or sharing our days with each other. Just being stupid together...

You are right. You arent that man.  You started out as that man but somewhere along the road, you changed the rules... the destination.  Or wait..perhaps it was you coming clean about the situation? oh yes... the TRUTH changed the path and destination.  Thats right!

I guess if the SHOE fits, eh?  Seems to...quite comfortably.  Good. im happy for you. 
Im happy that you are content in your decision to end this. Good Idea. Well played.
now you can focus on getting readjusted to those Shoes again. As wonderful as they are.

Ugh. why do I even bother?

probably becuase i love you.....

it will be the death of me.