Finding Ghandi

“There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever”
and so it goes...  I was working on the penisula today and away from work email. I wasted alot of time on the clock because quite frankly? I dont give a flying fig about work anymore. Something inside me struggles with any sort of dedication to my (old) company. Its just been flat out wierd since Ive been back and I find that I just show up for a paycheck. I guess thats what happens when the company that thought you were good enough to lay off thinks you are good enough to call back.

I purposefully got "lost" to waste time and I dont even know why. I wasnt going into the office anyhow... but it seemed like a mindless fun adventure. I ended up, of all places, in Keyport. This happens to be where one of my old hook up's lives/works. Hes works on the base there and I was actually a bit lost for reals by this time so I sent him a text. It took him about 15 minutes to return the text and by that time, I had found my way back to the freeway and was headed home. He told me to come by and say Hi.  Damn! I totally would have. Although, I wasnt feeling all that sexy or up to any sort of intimate flirting. Perhaps next time. We texted back and forth and he asked what Ive been up to and that we should hang out. aka. sleep together, im sure. HA! I havent seen him since probably January... it was an awkward encounter as I suddenly got my period and it was just....wierd. It was only the 2nd time we had slept together and it just sort of embarassed me. ok. HORRIFIED me. In the morning, he hung around for awhile and then left. That was it. Never talked to him since that morning. Im sure he was surprised to hear from me but he seemed pleasantly so.

At any rate, I drove home and checked my work email. There it was: THE EMAIL.
I am currently working with my "old" company as a contractor. My 3 months is up at the end of May. My boss didnt have the balls to tell me beforehand... she just sent the email out to the company about the design dept "plan". This basically was that my coworker was coming back on June 1st and I would be downloading my projects back to her. My boss put this: "hopefully, "me" will be able to work with us on a *as needed* basis".   um. Yea. I found out with everyone else that June 1st would be my last day. What a Bitch. Have some fucking balls to tell me personally. I find the whole thing disrepectful. Thanks.

It wasnt a total shock perse, I just was expecting her to talk to me directly.  So be it. This means im back to unemployment and I get my SUMMER OFF!! This is very exciting to me on my levels. I am going to do another Triathlon on Sept 12 and I can train again. I will be able to goto the outdoor lap pool that is saltwater and then Lay-out. Nice! I can road trip to my dad's for a few weeks too! This is good! I will have my resume reformatted and start looking with a bit more fever for a new job. I really dont want to go back to the industry I was working in. After a 10% cut in pay. Fuck That! If I can convince DC to move here, that would rock!

On another wierd note, There is this random guy i met online awhile ago...almost a year now... he replied to something I wrote and we have been writing on and off for awhile.  He is talking about coming out to visit from Michigan. He wants to move to the PNW. There is something awkwardly familar about this guy though. I cant go into it but... the similarities are very peculiar.

My heart hurts. I hate loving someone I cant have. There are moments when its ok and I think I can totally move forward and above and beyond. Then, there are moments when I feel I cant breathe if I dont kiss him soon. Ive slept with others but my connection and deep felt love for him is unmatched. Sex is amazing when you are emotionally intimately connected to another.  As ive gotten older, its more important that I have that where sex is involved.  He's been inside of me for so long that I dont really know how to exist without him there. Even if I meet and date and love another eventually... ...he will always be there. In the backround... hes like the little voice inside of my soul that yearns to be held forever. Im excited for DC to come visit but not necessarily because of sex or romance or... whatever.  I guess to have a distraction. No one will ever match what my love and I have. At least for me, he is my lobster.  Its something I know innately. Intuitively. I have always known. DC is there but on a different plain...nothing is the same.  Im not sure how I will react if we become intimate.  To be honest, it sort of freaks me out because we are such great friends... The thought of sleeping with him is sort of... Odd. huh.

My neigh bor left her garbage cans out because she missed pick up last week... and the 2 bags of garbage for overflow. In the last few days the crows have ripped the bags open and when i drove up today, shit was everywhere. It was the final straw. I wrote a note and taped it to her door. Shes a renter about probably about 23 years old. I dont pay what I pay a month to live in the fucking hood /trailor park. Have some respect you twit, and pick up your damned TRASH! The other neighbors were pissed as well so I took it upon myself to be the self appointed bitch.  She cleaned it up. I find it funny since the trash is picked up on Wed morning so she will have to lug all that crap out tomorrow nite. ha! dumb dumb.

I will have to goto work tomorrow and play friendly. And move my ass to get shit down since I pretty much slacked all day! haha. oh well. I took off friday the 28th for Dc's visit. Think, at this point...ill take the 27th as well. Fuck it.

Time to train and get tan...oh, and lust after Coach again! This makes me happy all on its own!