been a long time.

Its been forever since Ive written in here. In fact, I forgot it was around!  I could spend hours updating with the past year but why? Its all water under the bridge, really.

summation:

Mom is still crazy.
My married lover is gone... AGAIN. however, in a revelations of revelations... he finally revealed his true name, I know his wife's name and In April, he finally truly admitted he loved me.  In a heartfelt, making-love kinda way. That was nothing new to me. But as things go... guess it didnt matter in the grand scheme of things. Love or no love, he's gone and I am here. alone. Still.

Part of the reason he is gone is because of something I did.  Yes.... I DID. In August, we had a blow out and he left again. He didnt close the email but he disappeared for about 2 months. at the end of Oct..a month after I lost my job, I had a melt down... I mailed his cock ring to his house. I punished him I suppose. I had it in an envelope in my car for about a month. I was going to mail it one day and forgot. It sat there until the week of halloween I sent it to his house. The same day I thru it in the mail box... he re established contact with me! Of all the dumb luck. That was a Wed. That friday, he got it in the mail... well.. he claims Shoes got it... but to this day, I still think HE found it in the mail. I think this because the following monday and Friday he came over to see me and we made love both times... that following monday...2nd week of November...he closed the account.  He refused any attempts I made to contact him via CL and I ended up leaving him 1 voicemail to which he never responded.

His story is that she found it, he moved to another city to live with his sister in law and that divorce was in his future.  oh and thta she suffered a miscarriage the week before that came in the mail. Maybe thats what prompted him to reach out to me... I dont know. Ive never understood his motivations really.

I made a post the other day out of angst and boredom. Both of which are NOT healthy states of existance for me... It was something about Sending him a basket of Nuts for xmas... it was a JOKE post but i was curious whether he still looked for me... of course, He does.

he blew a gasket. Insulted me online, called me unstable etc... but never responded to my personal emails to him.  not that I expected him to, really.
that was last week. Jump forward to today. i had to run down to the southern city where his work happens to be. I had to stop by the cable company to exchange a remote and that is the closest cable office location. I didnt really think much of it as I ran my errand and then decided to hit the Trader Joes down the street. As I waited for a place to park, pulled in and turned off my engine... in the next row over...

THERE HE WAS. walking. scurrying even with his head down. I knew it was him immediately. Blue sweater, jeans and just...HIM. I looked down the row a few cars and there his car sat. I sat there totally stunned. not knowing what the fuck to DO. I watched him go into the store... moment of truth. I choked in the clutch. I backed out... drove around 2 rows over to stop freaking out and maybe leave a note... in that amount of time, when i got back to where his car was... HE WAS GONE! he must have seen me... went in the store and escaped out the other door.. I didnt even see him drive away. Knowing him, I could see him sitting in a parking lot where I couldnt see him so he could watch me.
I looked around.
nothing.

I ended up parking and going inside but was so flustered and frazzled I grabbed some random shit and left.

I needed a cigarette. I NEVER RUN into ppl. ever.
of all people...HIM. the man I have loved for 3 years....

interestingly enough, I wrote him an email when I got home via the post he left up. His way no doubt to allow me to reach him...without him having to respond. He told me to LEAVE HIM ALONE when he replied...but I couldnt resist letting him know I saw him.... he didnt respond... at least NOT directly.

until an hour later, I got an email. An email that responded to 2 writings I had posted that morning about him but were prose and not specific in nature. The emial said...Interior Designer is that you?
turns out, its Nom De Plume... after some research... i realize im a fucking idiot!! THAT IS HIM!!!!!!!!!
I researched all the way back to when Lover and I started communicating and thats when NDP showed up. Same nicknames with me, same writing styles etc...

its his way of checking on me... and I dont know why we play this game.  He asked me if I was ok. I havent heard this pen name since 2008. Out of the blue. I suppose he's probably responded to me before and when I checked, he had but I didnt know who it was so I never responded back to athe annym. email addy... he remembered he could give me that name and I would respond.

so, i took the chance and said, "you saw me today, why didnt you say hello? I know its you.... can we talk?"
he responded back, "talk later, yes?"

Im confused. why would be hate me so much in person and online yet, miss me and talk to me as this other person....

I feel like he plays games with me. and if its NOT him...than I truly am crazy and I need meds!

my bra hurts.

I need to change for the gym.

more later...



It is now, December 2011. What has changed in my life? well, I got a job, worked for 6 months and got fired. THat was a blessing and a curse frankly. I hated that place. It sucked. enough of that.