A history on my love life... Thus Far

Its probably a good thing to start off with a brief description on my love life thus far. So, Im gonna back track a few years and set the stage. (steps in time machine)... here goes....

I AM DIVORCED.  It has been 3 years this March.  Dated for ex husband for 2 years, married for 3 and now divorced for just as long. Time flies.  My ex, according to the family rumor mill, is remarried as of Last May 2009 and has a daughter. He didnt waste any time, obviously. He also is said to be living in China working on his PhD. Good. the further away the better.  We spent our married years living in Las Vegas and as soon as my divorce took place, I got the hell out of Dodge... or Vegas as it were. Fun place to visit...
odd place to live. Oh how I had forgotten that not everyone looks like a stripper shopping at Walmart. The things I saw... I could probably write a Dr. Suess book-- the ADULT version.. but I digress.

Jumping forward a year or so, I was a consummate writer on Craigslist Missed Connections. Mostly I read for entertainment while bored and would post my writings on there for feedback etc.  I had met some really cool people and got roped into some scary shit too. The one thing that did happen to me is that I met a man that moved me and helped me learn to love again... and, helped me regain my sense of self through an amazing friendship that eventually morphed into a intimate relationship of sorts. I will call him .. Rex.

I wont go into much detail about Rex other than to say it was a situation that was complicated, loving, friendship and laughter and ultimately.. unattainable in any long term sense. We have carried on this relationship of sorts for close to 2 years. A bond that will remain inside of me for a very long time. Obviously, I fell in love with him and with the ending predetermined... we have recently come to grips with the fact that we cannot continue on a path that has a dead end. At least because of his circumstances being as they are. And, NO he is not married.

Last Thursday we hung out and in my heart, I feel it was probably the last time.  We were vulnerable and open with each other on a level that we would rarely travel to but the fact that he took it there told me that he needed to tell me his heart so that I would know the depth of what I've always known... and vice versa. Why it has taken us 2 years to truely SAY these things aloud is a mystery but most of our daily communcations are via email and our situation has always taken the path of words and writing... both of which are dear to both of us. So, it always worked as a written relationship of sorts. The detail is too much to go into but... he has become my best friend and best lover and I will miss him everyday of my life... He has been a staple in my day and knows me intuitively well. He is one of the few that I have allowed myself to be that vulnerable with... So.. when I mention Rex... he is the one that holds my heart... and he knows that.

Other than Rex, I havent really had a good solid relationship since my divorce. Which sort of irks me becuase obviously my ex husband was able to find, date,marry and impregnate a woman in a span of 2 years...its up for debate if the latter two actions were reversed or not. Im competitive and of course this leads me to wonder what the HELL is wrong with me. As you will read in this blog, I am very self analytical and I like to self assess and evaluate constantly. I even drive myself crazy!

I have been on dating sites on and off since my divorce. Ive gone out with dozens of men on first dates. Some seconds and a handful of thirds. The thing is... I know what im looking for, im picky and I refuse to settle for certain things... a conversation that Rex and I have been having as of late. SETTLING. Whats that really mean?! He believes everyone does it... Even I did with him on some levels... and, im sure he did with ME on others.  So, his point is well backed but where do we drawn the line at 'settling'?

Ive been trying to figure out this conundrum for a long time.  Had I settled with one of the many guys Ive gone out with, I could probably be married with a child at this point.  There are certain things I WONT settle on however. KISSING, INTELECT, or SENSE OF HUMOR. If a man can make me laugh and is smarter than all get out and can kiss me and make me melt like a stick of butter on a hot Vegas day... well then, Im his... Rex was all these things... I have yet to find the TRIFECTA again. I will continue to pursue.

I am currently not really dating at all.  At least not via a dating site. I have been 'celibate' for 2 months now in regards to dating.  I was doing so much of it that I began to get bored and it was more of a task than an enjoyable duty. That is not to say that there arent men lurking in the bushes of my past. I have two potentials out and about. Lets discuss.


First, there is  the ex minor league pitcher with whom I have amazing chemistry and met on the dating site...Ill call him...'Baseball'/BB for short.  BB and I met back in Sept and went on one date. He is my 'ideal'  man physically. 6'5, built, dark hair, green eyes and just really handsome. Apparently, im his type as well.. in his words im the total package that he digs: phsycially and im smart and witty. huh. go figure. We went for coffee and a movie on our first date and it was IMMEDIATE chemistry from the start. I wanted to stand near this guy, touch him and just... well... ya.   In the movie we held hands like we had been dating for months and it was just comfortable... a rarity for me. We have pretty explosive chemistry but he has always been very elusive in regards to us totally dating. We have remained in contact via email, texting, chatting and the occasional phone call and have gone to dinner a few times. Here's where it gets wierd. I know he wants to sleep with me and I with him but I never let it go THERE.  So, ive decided to change my tactics. He likes to chase and likes to be chased. So Do I.  This leads to no one catching anyone. Its just sheer entertainment on a random basis. Hes also a small town boy... which I dig.

Then there is a guy I met by happenstance thru Craigslist while reading the WA DC site... why I was reading there is a long story for another time...but I was.  He wrote this amazing post that was dark, hysterical and well...Dark. I wrote him personally and we started up conversation that eventually led to phone calls and emails.... this was over a year ago.  He is know one of my dearest friends. Thing is, we live on opposite sides of the country.  I flew out to meet him last Dec for the first time for 10 days. We had an amazing time b'c I hadnt ever been to DC and he took me for a whirlwind adventure via Amatrak to NYC for 2 days! It was amazing and he paid for everything and just treated me like a princess. INterestingly enough. We never kissed nor had any intimate contact. Even after sleepin in the same bed for that amount of time. Something Rex found odd ... which makes me laugh.  Rex always gives me advice about the men I date. He knows the details... our relationship is like that. He being one of my dearest friends, Ive always told him everything...probably stuff I shoudlnt have but its hard not to be totally candid with him... and I dont have many secrets so.... i tell.  After that trip, DC and I have still remained very close friends and we talk almost everyday on teh phone... We have 1/2 assed talked about getting married b'c we can exist together so well. We click personality wise and are both pretty laid back people. He is suppose to fly out this thursday to the SF bay area to see my first Triathlon but due to family circumstances, thats up in the air now. 

So, other than that... my life has consisted of no solid romantic relationships, a lover I am in love with but cant have, a guy im totally drawn to thats odd and eulusive and a great close friend that I would consider dating that lives on teh opposite side of the country. Huh. The webs we weave.

I have decided to see what transpires with DC if he does indeed come to california to watch my race and as a secondary measure, meet my family.... Hes a computer software developer and so very different than my ex husband... in fact, both Rex and he are in that industry... curious. Oh and so is Baseball.

The gods are trying to tell me something. Not sure what that is though!

I wonder if its too late to be a Nun...