Dreams

Wow. Last night's dreams were definitely up there with the anxiety and rejection flags. I had this dream that all my friends had rejected me. They didnt want me around them or near them or living with them. It was full of arguing and sadness.

Now, there are a few things going on here I think. The first is that Im having SEVERE heart palpitating anxiety about my race. I think Im having this because I have family thats going to be there watching.  My family can be.... judgemental. At least my therapist thinks thats part of the reason I fear failure so much and im definitely SO hard on myself. Primarily about my physical-ness. I was always athletic in my younger years and as I grew older, my weight has always been an issue primarily for my mother. Whats funny about that is that shes not skinny!! Its always been her 'tool' to sort of try and control my emotional state. Odd. So, ive been feeling great about myself physically and I havent lost a ton of weight but Ive grown stronger and more toned.  I guess that I dont want to fail so brilliantly in front of my family. I know they wont say I failed but more to the point they are proud of me. There is just those issues that come to the forefront when it comes to being around your family.  its one of the MAIN reasons I struggle with moving back home.

I find myself over evaluating my body. Putting on my bike shorts worrying what I look like. Do I look like a fat cow or ridiculous? How can I feel good about how I look during this whole process. There will be all shapes and sizes, I know. Im just vain I guess. If thats what we call it.

I have alot to do and Im just having some sort of paralyzing walls being thrown up psychologically. Ugh!!!!

I just need to DO it. God. Its almost time to get ready for work. I will swim at lunch. I do feel good about myself while im in the pool which is such a dicotomy b'c im in a bathing suit but there are men that check me out. Rex always said im too hard on myself. Probably true. I want a fit tight body again. dammit!